I used to watch my grandmother read her Bible at night.  Perched on the side of her bed, head and body bent low, the small antique lamp would cast shadows larger than its light.  I always wondered why she didn’t take her Bible into the kitchen, or to another place in the house where tiny words might be better illuminated.  But night after night found her in the same spot.

I have a spot too.  It’s my green chair in the corner….though I haven’t been as faithful with His word as of late.  I recently picked up one of the Bibles I keep next to my chair, fingertips grazing a light layer of dust.

Prayers too have lost their words.  I try to always start with Thank You’s.  “Thank you for another day…for your love, mercy, and forgiveness, etc.”  And somewhere in the middle of my Thank You’s,  words disappear.  I’ll catch myself minutes later asking God, “Where was I?”

There’s something gratifying about participating in this kind of activity.  Not that I would call it ‘religion’ though I suppose it could be seen as ‘religious’ to some.  It’s what we do as believers, right?  It’s relationship….spending time with God.  Our souls crave connection with our Creator.

But the day in/day out Bible reading along with Jesus conversation also makes me feel as if I’m doing my part.  I enjoy checking off the boxes.

And yet, lately I feel as if I’ve even lost my To-Do list.  AND my pen.

So what do I have left then?  Who am I to God when I’m quiet and empty-handed?

There’s a passage in Matthew 6 in The Message that talks about “sensing His grace.”

To sense His grace is to sense His presence.  Because He IS grace.

And friend, I’ve sensed His presence more in the past couple of weeks than I have in a long time.  Not because I’ve spent a certain amount of minutes in the Word or in prayer.  I feel Him just because.

Life is especially hard right now, it’s no secret.  But I feel like my whole existence has been one tough battle after another.  Suffering is my companion.

My heart wants answers.  Explanations would be appreciated.  A break from bad news would be welcomed.  I’m past the point of begging.

And fatigue has set in….body, mind and spirit.  I’m too tired to read; Too exhausted (and distracted) to pray.

I don’t want to be lazy in my walk with the Lord.  I wholeheartedly desire pursuit.  But I’m reminded in this particular season, this particular night, that He pursues me.  Grace knew my name long before I did.

I’ve always thought of grace as something we fell into or onto.  Like grace was the safety net, the padded landing.  I still think this is true.  But I’m starting to see grace a little differently….

I see Grace scooting its chair next to mine.  Grace walks behind me and speeds the pace until our steps match.  Grace props hand under chin and waits for me in silence.  Grace reaches for my grasp before I can reach for theirs.

And this is the goodness of God in the midst of the heavy.  The just-because grace.  Do you feel it too?