This was the word she used.  The paper covering the exam table crinkled as I shifted my weight.  Elbow resting on knee, chin resting on fist, I nodded along as if I knew what she was talking about.

She is my favorite doctor.  I’ve amassed quite a team of them, but she is by far my favorite.  I see her once a year and she consistently leaves me with words of wisdom.

Her first question to me is always, “How have you been?”  My answer: “Still single.”  And she laughs a bit, shaking her head.  I know she gets it-she recently married for the first time at age 42.

She goes on with her exam and then sits down, looking me right in the eye.  This is when she used the word I pretended to know, telling me how she feels it to be the ‘key.’

Equanimity-mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.

So basically, being okay with whatever happens.  Alright God.  How do I get to this point?

And I feel like equanimity applies to almost every situation….yes, singleness is difficult, but so is marriage (from what I hear).  Or, what about when you’re waiting for babies?  Or raising babies?  Looking for your dream job….or feeling stuck in the job you have?  Or when illness strikes, turning your world upside down?

I think life rarely turns out anything like what we thought it would.  We humanly develop expectations and hopes, and we almost don’t know what to do when life looks differently.  Or perhaps we even find ourselves in the lives we spent so much time dreaming about, only to feel like something’s missing.

And there you have it, life is hard no matter what.

Equanimity….again I ask God, “How do I get there?”  Of course I would rather feel calm and composed versus afraid and anxious.  Yes, I would rather have a level head and presence of mind as opposed to what’s really going on…a string of what-if’s and what-if not’s, looking way far beyond the parameters of today.  I’m not the only one, am I?

Dear reader, if you don’t know by now, I’ll tell you that I have trust issues.  It always comes down to trust for me, and letting go of the desire/need to know.  The truth is, if I really trusted the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength, then I would be unshakeable.  Except that I feel very shaky most of the time….

It’s always shocking to me just how quickly I can unravel.  One minute, I’m feeling strong and sure-footed.  And the next, as if I’m crawling through mud…uphill…in the rain.

But, it’s our need for Him that draws us close to Him.  If I didn’t war against trust, then Heaven forbid, I might become a bit too self-sufficient, as if I was standing tall in a “I got this” sort of way.

So I come to my Savior with prayers of, “I got nothing.”  And that’s okay because He has everything.  He IS everything.  And He knows what we need before we ask.

My comfort today comes in knowing He is in control.  He knows what I don’t and He’s working out the details I fret over.  I may not feel equanimitous (I don’t think this is actually a correct conjugation-It sounds good though.) on the inside.  But friend, I can ask Him to be my peace of mind and peace of heart.  I can ask Him to be my equanimity.

Because I just don’t have it in myself.  I saw a quote recently that said something to the effect of, “You are the key to your own happiness.”  Well…that’s a lot of pressure on me.  And I don’t know how to ‘fix’ me.

But I know who does.