I poured hot soapy water into the pan, scrubbing away the remnants of last night’s dinner.  Swirling sponge on metal, I continued the internal dialogue with my Father.  This dialogue ongoing for most of the day…mostly utterances of confession and cries for help.

I have no problem, you see, believing His sovereignty and provision for others.  I’m quick to spout Truth to my loved ones.  When it comes to my own life however, I’m feeling a little shaky and unsteady-as if my toes are squishing into shifting stand instead of solid rock.

I’m honest with Him.  I tell my Lord, somewhat hesitant, that I struggle to believe He will come through for me.  The wrestling match between myself and Doubt has commenced and I sit here red-faced, tired and unsure.

But not defeated.  No, never defeated.

I heard a quote recently that said something like, “If you’re battling fear and trust, then you don’t fully understand the love of God.  Because there is no fear in perfect love.”

“So help me understand your love,” I ask over and over.  It occurs to me as I stand at my kitchen sink, a Truth I’ve met before.  The Spirit reminds my heart in His gentle way, “My love for you is not expressed in whether or not I give you what you ask for.  I sent my son to save you-that’s how you know I love you.” 

Perhaps I’ve equated love with answered prayer.  Like, if my Father loved me, He would____ (and then fill in the blank).  Requests are denied, or delayed and it seems like He is with-holding.  Our fragile human hearts try to make sense of what can’t be made sense of and we sit here with giant question marks over our heads.

Is Jesus enough?  I have to ask myself this question again since I’m oh so quick to try to find proof and/or fulfillment in other places.

And the answer, by the way is, “yes.”  Yes, Jesus is enough.  He’s always enough-because his enough-ness (is this even a word?) has nothing to do with us.  He is enough because of who he is.  Savior.  Defender.  Redeemer.  Reconciler.  Healer.  Bridegroom.  Friend.

Eternity is a long time.  One day, many thousands of years from now, I honestly won’t give a damn whether or not I got to experience on earth the deepest longings of my heart.  Because Jesus and the light of his glory will outshine every one of them.

Until that day, my friend, it’s ok….  It’s ok to wonder and ask why.  It’s ok to feel sad and disappointed.  It’s ok to wrestle.  It’s ok to cry.

I think it’s what we do with all of this that can ultimately affect our attitude and outlook.  We can hang onto it, balling it up in tight, little fists.  Or, we can one by one, open our fingers and set our palms free.

My prayer tonight is found in the words of an old hymn:

“Oh, for grace to trust Him more.”