I sat on my aunt’s squishy couch, legs folded under one another.  My elbows rested on my knees and I looked to the heavens for my answer to her question: “Do you miss Tinder?”

“Yes.  And no,” I replied.

Truth be told, I made my exit from my short-lived voyage into the world of online dating about a month ago.  I kept it pretty quiet.  I think I was a little bit ashamed that I couldn’t stick it out…after all, I lasted only about 2 months in this adventure slash learning experience.  Though I didn’t have a specific timeline mapped out, I read an article about Anne Lamott’s year on Match.com and thought it would be fun to give that a try.  A whole year?  Anne, you are my hero.  And your skin is thicker than mine.

But maybe, I was also afraid of the “I told you so’s” that had potential to follow, albeit from well-meaning individuals.  PS, I was actually already saying it to myself, so….

What do I miss?  The anticipation of a date.  The what-if.  Getting dressed up and having somewhere to go with someone to meet.  Conversation with the opposite sex…well sometimes.  (I’m thinking back to this one date in particular, bless his heart.  He cried four times during dinner.  Four.)  I also miss feeling attractive…and attracted.  And even though I’m pretty self-sufficient and can buy my own dinner, it’s nice to be treated once in a while.

What do I NOT miss?  Being stood up.  Feeling disappointed, again and again.  Endless text messages…I prefer to converse on the actual telephone instead of typing line after line.  And while we’re at it, I feel like texting has given some an almost permission to type things they would never actually say out loud.  I also don’t miss the expectation of intimacy (if we can call it that).  And feeling like I needed to defend my morals and values when I said, “No.”  (Enter the “I told you so’s…because, “this is Tinder, after all.”)

When I first wrote about this experience, I mentioned that I needed a distraction.  And distracting it was.  It definitely took my mind off of the individual I was trying to forget.  However, I think I was unable to separate the interruption.  And it just spilled onto every other part of my life.  Like when I try to contain the syrup into each square of my waffle…and it ends up going everywhere, even spilling onto the plate.  I don’t like soggy waffles.

I stopped reading.  My bedtime ritual of getting lost inside the pages of a book until my eyes became heavy, was replaced by “conversation.”  Now, yes I could have turned my phone off.  But my people-pleasing got the best of me, and I justified it with, ‘not wanting to appear uninterested or rude.’

I ignored my intuition.  Always listen to your “gut” friends.  I truly believe this is one of the ways the Lord speaks to us.  Let hesitancy lead, in this case.  I tend too often to give people the benefit of the doubt, instead of just following my instinct.  This led me to some sketchy territory and looking back, I’m so grateful for God’s hand of protection.

I stopped listening.  And by listening, I mean I stopped listening to my body.  I felt exhausted.  All the time.  I was staying up too late, not getting enough sleep, and not spending enough time alone.  My introvert-self craves time to recharge, especially after a long day taking care of others.  But I admit, I got caught up in the whirlwind of attention.  And I wanted more of it.

I spent less time with Jesus.  I’m not proud of this one.  But it’s true.  Even though I didn’t mean for it to happen, I slowly but surely started to neglect my time with Him.  Even down to my thoughts…thoughts taking up mental space where He once resided.  I know this happens sometimes.  Certain situations bring new things to think about, or even new worries/anxieties.  Given that our brains can only process so much information at one time, I see how my “distraction” also became an interference.  And yet, His grace abounds.

On and on, I could go.

You’ve heard the saying, right?  “You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.”  Well my friends, after two months of kissing frogs, my lips are chapped (in the proverbial sense) and I’m tired.  Do I think I still need practice when it comes to dating?  Yes.  And maybe I’ll take a break and try again another time.  Or maybe not. Because one of the beautiful things about singleness is, you get to make your own rules.

Rule number one: There are no rules 🙂