Goodness.  I’m nervous to write this.  But then again, when am I not nervous to let you peek into the workings of my mind and heart?

On a Friday night not so long ago, I filled out and submitted three (yes, THREE) online dating profiles.  I deleted them all an hour later.  I had no idea how expensive these sites were and I’m sorry, but I don’t think one should have to pay for extra security features.  Also, truth be told, after hours of answering questions and submitting pictures, I was a nervous wreck.  My gut was telling me, “No.”  I listened.

However, the situation I found myself in most recently, required a distraction.  I talked to the Lord about it…I discussed it with my counselor…and with a close friend.  We all agreed that I was trusting His sovereignty over every part of my life…except with men.

I’ve never been comfortable around men.  I’ve never trusted them.  It’s not their fault…it’s the result of my brokenness and my response to an abusive father who abandoned me years ago.  Therapy has revealed my tendency to be attracted to “unavailable” men…men who aren’t able to connect emotionally.  Or men who are off limits for other reasons.  I’ll leave it at that.

Why?  Because it’s safer.  Men who aren’t available can’t create as much damage, right?  Wrong.  It’s actually a different kind of damage, one that leaves my heart in ruins while the other person skips away unaffected.  The “barrier” represents a semblance of control…and I see it for the illusion that it is.  I’m reminded of one of those crazy mirrors in a Funhouse.  How it looks like a plain old mirror until you take a glance and see the distorted version of yourself staring back at you.

“Never say never,” they say.  And I said I would NEVER join Tinder.  “It’s a hook-up site,” I reasoned.  (I’m beginning to think this is in fact the case.)  But, seeing as how it’s free (and my budget is tight), I decided to give it a go.  Now…do I think I’m going to meet my soul-mate (if there is such a thing) on there?  No.  But do I think I need to practice dating?  Yes.

Historically, I haven’t dated a ton of guys.  I didn’t actually go out on a date until I was 17 years old.  I spent almost 5 years in love with a guy who only sometimes returned my affection.  I was almost engaged at 29, but thank God that relationship ended before I even had a ring on my finger.

I’ve had crushes here and there, gone out on a handful of dates, but again-I always veer towards the ones I can’t have.  And I was turning into a elderly shut-in who never left her house.

So it was time….almost three weeks ago, I decided (with the help of my friend and soul sister) that I needed to figure out just what I was looking for.  I needed to learn how to set good boundaries.  It was necessary for me to decipher just who I am and how I behave around men.

And let me tell you, I’m getting really good at saying, “No.”  I’m becoming an expert in the “unmatch.”  Because unfortunately, even though I clearly state “Jesus follower” on my profile, men are sending me inappropriate messages and asking to come to my house.  And if one more guy asks me for a “free yoga session”…. Perhaps one of my other goals in this whole venture should be to grow a thicker skin.

I’ve been on five dates in the past three weeks.  More dates than I’ve been on in the last two years.  Some were just ok, one was awful (like I left in tears, awful) and one was actually really good (though he was Muslim).  I feel like I’m becoming a bit more comfortable, though I’m still “doing it afraid.”  When I don’t hear back from a guy, insecurities and anxieties pop up something fierce.  But in the words of my counselor, “Rejection is not rejection.  Rejection is God’s protection.”

I don’t know how long I will last in “Tinderland” as I call it.  But maybe little by little, the Lord will start to reveal new dimensions of His sovereignty.  He’s really good at that, you know.