I need reminders of His sovereignty today.  Maybe you do too?

I woke up with my heart racing.  I take deep breaths and ask Him to settle me down.  All throughout my morning routine getting ready for work, it races still.  I close my eyes and ask Him again, “Calm my heart, Lord.”

I try to pray in my car, but when my heart races, my mind races.  When my mind races, I feel like I’ve lost the ability to breathe.  I break out in a sweat and my hands start to shake.

This isn’t the first time I’ve experienced these “episodes.”  They’ve been around for several years now.  Sometimes they are elusive, making appearances few and far between.  Other times, they show up daily, even several times a day…and I wonder what’s happening to my body.

I know the medical term for these “episodes.”  I don’t want to call them panic attacks.  Because, if I give them their rightful name, actually say it out loud, then maybe I’m allowing some acceptance into the picture.  And I don’t want to accept it.

I’ve battled anxiety my whole life.  My earliest memories are of “fear,” so it would make sense-though I am no mental health professional.  I’ve experienced various health and hormonal issues and I feel like I am constantly at war with my own body.

It’s not something I talk about often.  It’s true, I’ve built shame walls.  I see them.  I feel them.  I’ve bumped into them.  And I’ve tried to keep this “thorn” hidden.  Because what would people think if they knew I needed medication to make it through the day?

There exists an undeniable stigma of Faith, the Church and Mental Health.  I personally grew up in a church that preached, “If you just have enough faith….” and then fill in the blank.  That puts a lot of pressure on us doesn’t it friends?  Pressure we were never meant to bear, in my humble opinion.

Here is what I’ve come to realize: God is sovereign.  He is sovereign over ALL things.  Meaning, He is God over our afflictions and He is God over our healing.  Now…I’ve prayed and cried and begged for His touch in this area of my life.  I fought medication for the longest time because I associated it with weakness.  I modified my diet…tried essential oils…breathed deeply.  Ultimately, I finally surrendered to my prescription because it was the only thing that helped.

And thank God for advances in modern medicine.  It’s not my choice of how I would like the Lord to intervene here.  Yes, I believe I could wake up tomorrow and no longer need my little yellow pill.  But until then, I will no longer be a shame-bearer.  Shame isn’t freedom.

2 Corinthians 3:17

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”  (italics mine)

I posted a quote earlier that said, “He loves it when His children are free.”  Isn’t that the truth?  I believe our Abba smiles when He sees us walking in freedom.  Whatever “freedom” looks like to you…I think He enjoys it.

Will you say this with me right now?  “No more shame.”  Let’s follow it with, “I am free.”

And we will say it, cry it, shout it as many times as we need to.  Because it’s truth. Truth wins every time.