I started this post with good intentions…I planned to write on Isaiah 52:2.  But minutes ticked by as I stared blankly at my computer screen, at a loss for words.  I started to feel frustrated as I couldn’t seem to articulate my thoughts tonight.  I typed, I backspaced.  More than once.  More than twice.

The truth is, I’ve had a hard time focusing on anything today.  I made a mistake, you see.  And though this mistake occurred last night, the hang-over of regret haunts me today.  The picture plays over and over in my mind, along with the, “What was I thinking?”  And though you’ll probably chuckle when I reveal my “big” mistake, to me it was territory I never should have ventured into.  A forbidden land with what-if’s and what-if not’s.  I am left wondering and maybe even wandering a bit as I imagine what could have been.

I looked up my ex on Facebook.  I know, I know.  Silly…stupid…immature…nosy.  Yes, all of these.  I’ll own them all.  Why I even typed his name in the “search” box, I don’t know.  I can’t even tell you what made me think of him.  For goodness sake, it’s been over 7 years since we said goodbye.  So, curiosity?  Maybe.  Loneliness?  Likely.

I thought he was “the one.”  He was the 2nd guy I ever loved.  (The first is too long a story for tonight.)  But this one…well, I thought he was my mister.  And truthfully, I can tell you now (because hindsight is always 20/20) that I may have been in love with the idea of him instead of him.  But nonetheless, my heart was in it and when it ended, my heart was broken.

So what did I see when I clicked on his name?  A picture of him, with his wife and their new baby.

That could have been me, I thought.  And then I played the game we all play at one time or another…What if I had done things differently?  Was I not enough?  Was I too much?  The questions went on for 30 minutes past my bedtime.  And I just stared at him…and his wife…and his baby.

And this friends, is where I have to give myself a ‘kick in the pants.’  Because the truth is, if he was for me, it would have worked out and we would be married.  It doesn’t matter why it ended or who is to blame.  (ahem, him…ok probably me too.  A little bit.)  I don’t have to compare myself to who he chose, or sit here wondering why I am alone on my couch, holding a laptop instead of a baby.  God knows what He’s doing.

Say I had married him and it still didn’t work out.  I could be sitting here divorced…and God would still know what He’s doing.

I don’t always have a clue, as much as I try to have it figured out.  In fact, most of the time, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing or where my life is going.  And when I think about it too much, anxiety starts to set in.

But I know who holds my future, as cliche as that sounds.  And He also holds my past and He holds this present moment.

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.”  Proverbs 16:9 NIV

Yes…if life had unfolded according to my plan, it would probably look differently.  But I’ve always asked for God’s perfect will, even if it was a bit half-halfheartedly, since I was also asking Him for what I wanted.  And even in the halfhearted request, He was faithful to give me what He knew was best for me.  Has this been easy?  No.  Have there been times I questioned His plan…His goodness…even His sovereignty?  More times than I can count, I’m afraid.  I think this could be said of us all.  And still, He is faithful.

God is good, not because He gives us what we want or even what we ask for.  He is good because He sent His son to save us “while we were still sinners.”  He is good because He prepares eternal glory for us.  He is good simply because He is.

So, wherever you are tonight, friend-whether you are sitting next to your person or next to a pillow…whether your house is filled with the sounds of children or the quietness of silence….you are right where you are supposed to be.  Take a deep breath.  Everything works out the way it’s supposed to.  And better yet, He “works it all together for good.”