It’s early, hours before my alarm is set to ring.  I wake, my heart already in conversation with the still, small before my eyes even open.  Lately, here and there, the Lord wakes me with His message.  I confess, I don’t always leave the comfort of my bed.  But this morning I feel prompted.  “Write,” He says.

I’ve been meditating on His sovereignty this week…Reminding myself He is in control and I am not, letting my heart rest in His hands.  When I stop my bedraggled activity and think about the fact that He holds authority over all, including the circumstances of my day-to-day, I can feel the weight of His Truth.  It settles me down, gives me room to breathe and simultaneously takes my breath away.

Honestly speaking, January is not my favorite.  It’s my birthday month, and since I turned 30, I dread this time of year.  Because each year that passes makes me another year older, and seemingly, less attractive to the opposite sex.  (I realized this a few years ago, when potential set-ups from friends would say “No” when they discovered my age….as if I could help the fact I was 33.  Yes, I realize how shallow those men were and who wants to date a 40 year old man that prefers 22 year old girls?  Still…)

In more honesty, I’ll tell you that I mostly enjoy my day-to-day.  I like my freedom.  My time is my time and my money is my money.  I can come and go as I please without the worry of another person.  (Between you and me, there’s also this feeling of safety-albeit an illusion-since relationships scare the hell out of me…)  Regardless, birthdays have a way of reminding us we are aging….and I don’t want to grow old alone.  36 may be far from “old,” you say.  True…but time passes so quickly these days.  And there are times when I think I would give all of my freedom away for just the chance to love and be loved.

I tend to waffle between two life seasons: Longing and Contentment.  I can move between the two almost daily, and this leaves me feeling like I don’t know what I want out of life.  Which leaves me feeling uncomfortably anxious and out of control (And all of my fellow control freaks said, “Amen.”)  This is when I have to bring it back to Truth, because it will otherwise send me down an ugly spiral to nowhere.  His Truth feels like the beam of a headlight and it directs my gaze back to Him….back to His sovereignty.

Proverbs 16:9 ESV

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”

Beloved, we don’t have to try to figure “life” out…making decisions right now about what we want/don’t want.  Because God knows what’s best for us and a surrendered life will always receive His best.  His “best” may (probably more often than not) look differently than we imagine.  And sometimes His best is simply His presence in the falling apart.  But what comfort for our hearts to know the great Author writes the story of our lives!  What comfort when we realize we don’t have to agonize over what fills the chapters…or even how the story ends.  He’s already there, writing and weaving it all together.